Switching Gears

In this post I will be talking about an event that happened to me fairly recent. Hope you learn from my mistakes.

In the past five months, or more I have been changing, and not for the best. I became rebellious for one, a jerk to my best friend, and a controlling fiance. To list everything I did, I was controlling, manipulative, prideful, selfish, I played the victim, and brought my friends and my fiance down.

I did not do any of it on purpose but there is no excuse for my change. I let myself be influenced and I let it happen and that is that. I regret everything I did to cause the people I truly care about pain. I did not mean for any of it to happen, but I know I did not help the situation at all.

I almost lost my best friend and did loose my fiance.

I hurt my best friend by treating her hatefully, in those months of change we always argued and disagreed on everything, because I talked down to her and acted like I was better than she was. It began to seem like I did not care about her....when in reality I did. And before the change we hardly ever argued.

She told me one day in chat how she felt and how I had been acting and we fought it out. Took three days to get it straightened out and cause me snap out of how I was acting. She was right, I had been being a jerk and was not being the person I wanted to be or a friend.

The next event happened not even a month later. I showed up at my fiance's home, which was wrong to do without asking, but I had done it a few times before and didn't realize I was not supposed to be doing that. I don't even know why I thought it was okay to show up. I guess I wanted to come over to give him a hug to help him feel better. But I should have asked if I could come over. I should have respected his home.

Then he cut loose with his feelings. He stood up to me. I was in shock, yet I was proud. Proud he had stood up to me. I let him talk his feelings out. But when it became my turn, I didn't have much to say....I was just so shocked I could not find the words and probably made him feel like I did not care and then not answering him might have helped prove to him we were no longer meant to be.

I never really did find the words. I started to find the words when he started to walk back to the house, but I wasn't saying what I really wanted to say...I wanted to tell him I believed we were meant to be together because we love each other, want the best for each other, and could work through this like we have through past situations and that is would help us grown as a couple. I wanted to tell him that I loved him and wanted him because of his personality, wanted him for him and that his looks were a bonus to his personality. However, sadly, I only started a ridiculous argument over school...and not about what was important... Him. I wish I had told him what my heart wanted to say. I was just so shocked that I could not get my brain to work.

Do not make my mistake.

Do not change yourself. And if you do decided to change, take a good look at yourself and make sure you are changing yourself for the better and not for the worse like I had did. Otherwise, when you finally come to realize who you have become and that it is not who you wanted to be, it might have already cost you the people you care for.