Story Time

The story I am going to tell you is about my own experience of unworthiness, unimportance, and how I figured out why I am here, why I was born.

If you look back at my first post, "Heartache Blues" it was about getting over tough situations that are emotionally and physically draining. In the last paragraph, I said, "Life is worth living you just have to keep pressing on and don't lose hope, the right people will come along. Like he did for me, I didn't have a best friend I could go to till i was fifteen, but that is a story for another time..." this story I will tell you now along with the troubles we've gone through.

Going back to 2011, was the seed to my transition from bitter, lonely, and wanting to die to happy, wanting to live, and becoming who I always wanted to be. The true turning of my life happened when I reunited with Josh, April 28th, 2015. I first met him at church in 2011 at first glance I fell for the dark headed nerd, however I pretty much kept my true feelings under lock and key, two years later we lost contact, I didn't know then what I found out in 2015.

One day, after volunteer work at the vet clinic, my dad picked me up and we went to look at a job site (he's a private concrete finisher) we drove through a gate up the driveway to a trailer house and out walked Josh's dad. I don't quite remember if Josh's dad told him I was there or if he ventured out on his own accord, all I know is, my sorta-friend/crush was back in my life.

Josh and I both just stood there as shy as we could be, his father lightly teasing him, while I wondered if he's changed or if he's still the same talkative-sweet guy I knew, Josh was thinking "she's perfect" and I'm in my T-shirt, blue jeans, rubber boots, and my hair in a messy-braid and I was wearing a cap! We didn't talk much at all, but I can tell you I went home with my mind set on keeping in touch with him. I had recently made a Facebook account to keep up with my sister's life, so a few days later after seeing Josh, I befriended him, he accepted my friends request that same day and that is how our friendship started.

The first event we went to together was a trip to a water park. We had a blast and that's when I knew josh liked me. His eyes told me he liked me, it was the way he looked at me as if I was the only person alive to him, he bought me ice cream and he wouldn't let me pay for it. But it was his eyes, those big puppy-dog like eyes told me, it was pretty obvious. But he had no clue that I liked him, liked him and I wouldn't tell him till five months later.

Skipping a few months later, to June. I had been away for five days at a 4-H event. When I came back Josh joked about getting married then when I made him tell me that wasn't true, then he said he was going to get engaged and he kept going on and on. He made me mad and it kinda hurt and that and this guy that reminded me of Josh at the event (he had a similar smile to that of Josh) made me realize my feelings for Josh were defiantly there. But were they truly real? I didn't want to chance them not being real. I kept them secret, not telling him I liked him, we continued to become closer developing a best friendship and the feelings I had kept under lock and didn't pay attention to till I noticed he liked me, kept growing (and are still growing).

So, August 9th rolled around and we had been talking, he told me about his one and only girlfriend, I asked if they had kissed, he said she kissed him, and he just kissed back. On my end when he said he kissed her I went bizerk! I wanted to be his first kiss at out wedding, I was quietly screaming. Back in the chat I kinda scolded him and asked if he regret it, he said he did and then I calmed down. Later I said, "I think I like you", (I don't know why I said, 'i think', because I knew I liked him) he asked, "As in a crush?" and I said, "Yes". On his end he nearly fainted, but he was nervous and a bit scared that this could mess up out friendship. But i knew it wouldn't. He asked me, "how long I had liked him?", we discussed how we wouldn't let our feelings come in between our friendship, and said we'd wait to see where this went.

This was like the ending of a movie but it was only the beginning of our story.

We've been through so much together. From us getting too close and reliant on each other causing our relationship to almost end, because I became too clingy, told him to forget about me, forced him to say goodbye, and turned cold-hearted. Then I snapped out of it, cried, apologized and it took awhile to overcome that, but we did, and we are still together. Another hard situation was when we were separated from each other for a week, because his mom thought he was thinking about me, talking to me too much, and told him he needed to get his focus back on school and get good grades. Which we didn't talk but like an hour. He played more games than he talked to me. Shrugs it's past. That cause our relationship to be strained and my falling for another guy. Now I liked two guys... Josh and I talked and straightened things out and both became more focused on school that was important, but the hard part was far from over.

The next hard thing was making a choice between Jeremy and Josh, best-friend and very best friend, a plain weirdo and a nerd, two completely opposites (this happened twice). Looking back I don't know what was so hard choosing between them...but to me then I didn't want to hurt either one of them. I knew if I chose Josh, Jer would stay, but if I chose Jer, Josh would slowly fade. Someone who loves you so closely to unconditionally can't stand seeing you with someone else and it tears them apart so, they have to leave, not because they don't love you but because they love you too much, on the other hand this can be mixed with fake love, so be careful, this is tricky and easily confused. Also, Jer and I had grown closer over the time Josh and I didn't talk for a week, Jer was there for me, he was my shoulder to lean on.

This messed with Josh a lot. I did choose Josh both times, never to make a choice like that again. Josh because he's sensitive, more carrying, more understanding, we've lived similar lives, and we've been through too much to throw it all aside, he's the reason I didn't give up living, believe in myself, believe I have worth, and Jer can be very blunt and I am very sensitive, and some other things I won't go into ever. Jeremy just wasn't the man for me, Josh is and always will be my dream boy.

Josh and I have been through a lot and he had to earn my trust, over one major life changing situation that I will not go into. I will say, he came clean with me and I forgave him, assured him I would still be his friend, and wasn't going to leave or hate him. It took awhile to earn my trust back but he did, took six months, (no, he didn't cheat on me).

We've been through a lot and hurt each other too much to my liking. I'd certainly not trade any of it. I've learned a lot and i wouldn't trade Josh for anything in the world. He's the best of the best to me. He's my world and my heart and that will never change. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. He taught me how to love again, has made me believe in myself and has been the best friend I've always wanted and needed and the brother I wanted making me open my eyes to my true worth. He says because of me he feels worth loving, life's worth living, and I make him feel important.

I found my reason why I am here and living, and I want to help others to know they are worth it and will find their purpose in life, you maybe already doing what you need to be doing and have no idea you are. Always remember someone cares, I wouldn't be writing this from the bottom of my heart if I didn't care about people out in this world I haven't even met that might be reading this.

Your Loving Author,

Maria

#Lifelessons #storytime #Myexperiences